Pretty When You Cry Read online

  My hopes fall. If he doesn’t let me stay, I’ll have to go back into the streets. Fear is a cold band around my chest. You’d rather fuck a hundred men than just one? I might find out tonight.

  Bile rises in my throat. “Wait.”

  “You’ll come home with me. If you still want to dance once you’ve had time to think about it, once I’ve had time to think about it, then we’ll see.”

  “Oh,” I whisper, something hot and scary flowing through my veins.

  “And you’ll do exactly as I say, whatever I decide.”

  His words make me cold, and I shudder. This is just like Harmony Hills, isn’t it? I left there because I didn’t want to live like cattle anymore, because I didn’t want to be caged and bred and then shot when I was no longer useful. I shouldn’t like being ordered around, not when I’ve risked so much to be free, but it’s a wild relief to hear he has a plan for me.

  My mind flashes with glitter and lace. With confidence and color. “How will I know how to please the men out there if I’ve never…done that?”

  His eyes glow with a dark promise. “You won’t please them by knowing, little one. You’ll please them by not knowing.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  A flicker, almost a smile. “Men like to teach you things. That’s what gets them off.”

  And I know he isn’t talking about the men out there. He’s talking about himself.

  He wants to teach me things.

  The knowledge sinks inside me, imprints itself on my bones where I can’t ever forget. “Okay,” I whisper.

  “You’ll wait here for me,” he says. Not a question.

  I take in the dimly lit basement a little more slowly this time, from the stark lightbulb to the dark stains on the concrete floor. It’s like a jail cell, and without even scripture to justify it.

  Before I can answer him, he’s gone. The door closes behind him with a clash of metal.

  A beat passes, and then something scrapes on the other side of the door.

  I’m locked inside.

  Chapter Four

  There is no clock inside the basement. Time passes in breaths, one after the other.

  A breath to sit and stare at the closed door.

  A breath to stand up.

  A breath to approach the desk.

  Ivan is terrifying, and I’m completely at his mercy. It’s a risk to look through his stuff. It’s a risk not to look through his stuff, now that I have the chance.

  I don’t know what I’m dealing with here. Why does he want me? The stories Leader Allen tells ring in my ears. The outside world is full of heathens, of sinners. It’s full of violent men who want to drag me into an alley and rape me. Is that what Ivan wants?

  Men like to teach you things. That’s what gets them off.

  Most of the papers are printed from a computer. I can’t understand what they say any better than if they were written by hand. There are some words I recognize, words that are in prayer books. Thanks. And help. And girls. Buried in one paragraph I find the word hell. The words I know are sprinkled like morning dew on grass, tiny windows that don’t help me understand the whole.

  In a beige folder I find a stack of images. There are women posing, most of them without shirts or bras.

  Some of them without panties.

  I know it’s wrong to look at them—wrong to have them—but I linger anyway. I look at their eyes made dark with blue and purple and black glitter. I look at their lips painted every shade of red. I look at the hair between their legs, trimmed into a neat shape or missing completely. I’ve never even cut the hair on my head, much less the hair there. I didn’t know that was possible.

  I can’t stop thinking about it.

  Would it hurt? It seems like it must hurt. Then my hand is gently pressing against myself, right there, over my shift, protective and terrified and curious.

  The scrape comes from the door again, and my hand snaps to my side. My face heats with shame that he would come back and catch me this way. I slam the folder shut, but some images slide out anyway.

  The door swings open.

  It isn’t him. Disappointment rises in me, unwelcome and grim. Why would I look forward to seeing him? He might end up hurting me.

  I remember the cold glint in his eye, the promise.

  Oh, he’ll definitely end up hurting me.

  Instead it’s the guard who had been standing outside the basement door when we came in. I’d barely gotten a glance at him, enough to know he was big and tall and strong. He’s dressed in all black, which adds to my impression of him as some kind of soldier. The only break in the image is the steaming tray of food he’s carrying.

  He sets it on the desk and eyes the photographs peeking out from the folder.

  The folder that I’m holding down with my palm flat, as if I can keep the strange feelings it inspires locked up tight, far away from me.

  He raises his eyebrows. “I won’t tell on you for snooping.”

  “If?” I may be new here, but I already know everything comes with a price. This isn’t so different from Harmony Hills, under all the lights.

  He grins, looking boyish despite the fact that he’s obviously armed and dangerous. “If you eat your vegetables.”

  I glance down at the tray he’s holding and see a feast. All that is meant for one person? I’ve never even seen a plate that large, and it’s piled high with food. There’s a steak with the juices still sizzling and mashed potatoes, the butter almost completely melted, and emerald-green broccoli. I haven’t eaten since dinner in the Great Hall last night, and my stomach grumbles loudly.

  He gestures to the tray. “Come on, eat. You look like you’re about to fall over.”

  He’s right, so I round the desk and head back for the plain wooden chair. No way I’m sitting in the big leather swivel chair. I’d probably get struck by lightning or something.

  Except I can’t exactly sit down yet. “Are you…going to stay and watch?”

  He gets a funny look on his face, almost embarrassed. “Just until you finish. Then I’ll take the tray back upstairs.”

  I cock my head. I’m curious about him, but he sets me at ease. Completely unlike Ivan. “Why?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t question orders.”

  Unease twists my empty stomach. That’s how it was in Harmony Hills, even if we called them counsels instead of orders. “What’s your name?”

  “It’s Luca. And don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you.” His brown eyes soften. “Or touch you.”

  I believe him, and that is the only reason I can sit and take a bite. And oh, that bite. The juices are still warm on my tongue, the steak more tender and wonderful than anything I’ve ever tasted. I catch Luca looking at me—looking at my lips—and my eyes widen.

  His cheeks tinge red, and he turns away. “Where did you come from anyway?” he asks quietly. “Not from around here.”

  “Far away.” Maybe not that far in miles. A hundred dollars didn’t last long, but I might as well be on the other side of the world for how different all this looks—and how lonely I feel. “Your boss,” I say softly.

  “What about him?” Reserved. Wary.

  Afraid?

  “He’s kind of…” I stammer, because I barely have the words for what I need to ask. “Can I trust him?”

  That earns me a soft laugh. “Trust? I’m not sure anyone can know him, much less trust him. But if you stay in Tanglewood, you’ll hear the stories.”

  “What kind of stories?”

  “The kind that get told around campfires. Horror stories.”

  “Those aren’t real.”

  “He is.” The corner of Luca’s mouth turns up. “The money that he puts in my account is real enough.”

  I can do anything I want with you.

  The things he would do to me would be real enough too.

  * * *

  The first time I ever rode in a car, I was eight years old.

  A woman with kind eyes came and too
k me away. Mama had a strange look on her face, like she was trying to be brave, so I tried to be brave too. Even though the building scared me. And the people scared me.

  They put me in a room with no windows. A camera was set up in the corner, watching me. I looked anywhere but at the shiny black lens. A doll slouched against the bench on the floor. Her hair was red. Building blocks climbed each other in the corner, every color of the rainbow. Who could play at a time like this, away from their family?

  My heart beat a little faster, just looking at them. These were toys that hadn’t been made in Harmony Hills, that hadn’t been sanctioned by Leader Allen. I knew how wrong it was, and that made me want to do it more. I fought with myself for what felt like hours until the woman with kind eyes came back in. She had another person with her, a man. He smiled at me but stood silently in the corner while the woman asked questions.

  How do you like living in Harmony Hills?

  Who watches you?

  Does anyone touch you? Where?

  I answered all the questions as best I could, so I could go home. I like it in Harmony Hills. Mama watches me. No one touches me, not ever.

  They weren’t lies, not really. Most of the time I liked my life, but I didn’t have a choice. I knew the woman wasn’t really offering me one. And Mama did watch me most of the time, except when she was praying with Leader Allen. It took a long time, because her soul was so dark. At least, that’s what Leader Allen told me.

  The woman asked me that question a lot of times, using words in different ways so I would understand. Giving me a hug or giving me a bath didn’t count. The way Leader Allen put his hand on my head when he was testing my faith, that didn’t count either.

  That was the day I learned that there was another kind of touch that might happen to me.

  The next time I ever rode in a car was a bus that took me from Harmony Hills to the farthest place I could go. A city called Tanglewood.

  “Come,” Ivan says, and I don’t hesitate. There’s nothing for me in the basement of his business. This is like the room from before, with no windows. No toys on the floor, but I understood them now for what they were. Distractions. A kind of test, like the files on his desk. And probably there was a camera somewhere in the room, watching me. Seeing if I passed.

  I follow him up the stairs, my gaze trained on his shoes. They shine, even in the dim light, and they make a harsh sound with every step. My shoes are blackened and completely silent. I’m his shadow as he leads me out a back door into the night.

  Luca follows us to the car and opens the door.

  Both men watch me expectantly. When I don’t move, Ivan cocks his head. “In.”

  In. Just that, a short command. Like I’m an animal to be put in her cage. “Where are you taking me?”

  “Home,” he says.

  That’s what the woman said too, when we left the room. She drove me back to Harmony Hills, and he isn’t taking me there. He’s taking me somewhere strange, somewhere new. It isn’t my home. Even so, hearing the word soothes me.

  Because right now I don’t have anywhere to go.

  I climb into the back of his car. From the outside it looks like a regular car, except maybe a little more shiny. A little more smooth. From the inside, it’s completely different. Nothing like the gray bus I came here on, with its plastic bucket seats and cracked window. It’s nothing like the car the woman with kind eyes drove either, where she buckled me into the back and gave me a juice box.

  This car doesn’t even have seat belts, just incredibly soft seats. It’s like running my hands over a cloud, and I do it again and again until Ivan sits beside me and I force my hands to still. There are buttons built into the sides of the car and a little panel in front of us with a screen. And a dark glass wall separating the front and the back.

  Luca climbs in behind the wheel, and then the car glides forward.

  I’m quiet the rest of the trip. So is Ivan.

  Maybe he’s thinking about work. But I know he’s thinking about me. I can feel his attention on me even though he faces the front. His profile looks stark and forbidding, shadows stretching over his face, not quite covering him. I try to shrink myself, to become invisible. I hold my body very still. It’s something I have a lot of practice with, in prayer.

  Forgive me, for I have sinned…

  Chapter Five

  We reach Ivan’s house too quickly. I’m not ready to face what will happen to me here. Not ready to face that I’ve ended up in this position, at another man’s mercy. Wasn’t I supposed to get free? Isn’t that why Mama risked everything?

  Except a hundred dollars in cash and a brochure from the bus company didn’t get me very far.

  Deep inside, where I don’t usually let myself feel, something sharp and hot burns. Frustration. Anger? Mama would know how to survive in the city. She lived in one before she went to Harmony Hills. Why didn’t she teach me what I would need to know?

  Why didn’t she tell me about men like Ivan?

  It doesn’t matter now, because Luca opens the car door. I have no choice but to step outside and look up, up at the never-ending glass and concrete. It doesn’t look like a house. It looks like a sculpture.

  It almost looks like a church.

  “No calls tonight,” Ivan says, and Luca nods, wordless.

  Luca holds the car door open for Ivan and then myself. Lights are set in the wall, high up, so the whole room is bathed in a pale light when we first arrive. Ivan touches a switch, and they grow brighter.

  “This way,” he says, leaving me behind.

  I almost run to catch up, afraid to be left in this cold land of silver and white. It’s winter, but not made by nature. Made by man. I don’t know why anyone would make something so cold, but maybe Ivan wanted to see his reflection. Maybe he wanted to freeze.

  He stops before I can, and I bump into him, the front of my body flush against his hard, unyielding back. I gasp and jump away. “Sorry.”

  Beyond a raised eyebrow, he ignores that. “There are clothes in the dresser,” he says, gesturing to an open door. “And toiletries in the bathroom. Don’t—”

  I stand there, waiting to hear what I can’t do. Don’t think sinful thoughts. Don’t talk back.

  Don’t run away and take a bus to a strange city.

  I’m used to being told what not to do, and for most of my life, I obeyed.

  “Don’t wander,” he says finally. “It might not be safe.”

  Might not be safe from what?

  “I won’t,” I say softly. I’m too tired to wander. Too lost to even try. There’s nowhere else to go.

  “Get ready for bed,” he says.

  His words ring in my head while I go into the room and shut the door. They ring while I find the clothes in the dresser, a random assortment of feminine things, soft T-shirts and dresses, different sizes and colors. Who do they belong to? They ring while I shower under the hot spray, water burning away the smell of the city.

  Get ready for bed.

  Almost as if I’m to wait for him. As if he’ll be joining me.

  The bed is the largest one I’ve ever seen, but somehow too small for two people. Too small if one of the people is Ivan. He’s physically large and, more than that, terrifying. What will he do to me? I can’t fight him. God, I’m not sure I want to try. Home.

  In the end I push back the heavy blankets, almost as thick as my sleeping pallet in Harmony Hills, and climb onto the bed. The pillow is perfectly soft, so clean, and I let myself drift away. I’m floating on a cloud, plush and high up.

  I dream in those moments. I dream about color and light. I dream about the sky.

  There is a deep voice from above and all around me, telling me to get on my knees. Commanding me to pray. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever skipped bedtime prayers. The first time I haven’t begged for salvation. I’m not going to beg, not ever again.

  The hand on my face doesn’t feel angry. It isn’t a slap for my insolence. It strokes down my temple
and cups my cheek. My eyes flutter open. Ivan.

  His hand falls away.

  “Candace,” he says in the same deep voice of my dream.

  And there’s a look in his eyes, the same look Leader Allen gives Mama. The same look he started giving me. That look is the reason Mama sent me away.

  “You’ll stay here,” he says softly. “I don’t want you to dance, but you can stay.”

  The allure of it beats through me, a heart of its own, thumping away to a dream that isn’t mine. Safety. Home. I want those things, but I want freedom more. I want the flash of lights and of skin. I want the power those women had onstage.

  Ivan wants to put me in a cage, but what I really want is to fly.

  “Okay,” I lie, because one sin becomes many. Leader Allen taught me that, and he was right. I’ll convince Ivan, though. One day I’ll dance on that stage, and Ivan will watch me.

  One day he’ll teach me everything there is to know.

  “Good girl.”

  The praise washes over me, undeserved and darkly pleasurable, a stroke along my spine. It feels good, but I know what it is. A trap. A chain around my ankle to keep me on the ground. In this moment, it locks me so tight that I’d accept anything he did to me. If he were to touch me the way the woman with the kind eyes meant. The way Leader Allen touches Mama during prayer.

  Ivan leans down, and I hold my breath. Large hands take hold of the blanket, lift slightly. I feel everything between us—anticipation and denial, lust and fear corded together. We feel them together, breathe them in through the air, pulse them with each beat of our hearts. It’s a kind of knowledge, this feeling, connecting a thousand nerve points to the core of my body. This is what he meant by teaching me. This and so much more.

  Then he pulls the blanket higher, tucking it around me. “Good night,” he says, eyes glittering in the dark.

  He is silver and light, made even brighter by the shadows behind him. It’s strange, the disappointment I feel that he isn’t going to touch me. He isn’t going to teach me. Not tonight. “Good night,” I whisper back.

  Then he’s gone, shutting the door against the dark, locking me in. And I slide away into sleep, without dreams, without color, with only the shameless black of contentedness, knowing I am safe for the night.